Fears and Almost Tears

Here are two things that you may or may not know about me.  The first is that I love to sing.  I'm even, well, good at it.  The second is that I am terrified to sing in front of people.  Seriously.  And, really, what's the point of singing if not to share it with other people?  I mean, it's pretty well worthless to be a good singer if you're not going to sing in front of people.

About a week ago I had a dream, and in that dream I was singing.  When I woke up, I just kept thinking about how happy I was in that dream, how happy I was to be singing.  There has just always been such a wonderful feeling when I sing.  I used to drive around and sing for hours, and those were some of my favorite times.  

So, I decided, post singing dream, that I should get back into singing.  I looked on campus to see what my options were, and I found out that I could take voice lessons.  Sounded great.  I called the school of music, and was sent all the info about voice lessons.  

One problem.  Voice lessons require an audition.  Audition.  That basically means that there will be singing and that it will be in front of people.  Like, live people.  Not that singing in front of dead people would be that much more comforting, but, well, I'm getting totally off topic at this point.

Okay, so I resolved that I'd go for it.  I settled on singing "Ave Maria" because I know it and because I do an alright job of singing it.  I didn't really have a good way to rehearse much, but I figured I'd be okay.  Auditions were Saturday, and I was pretty ready.

Truth be told, I wasn't ready at all.  In fact, I almost didn't even go.  But, then there I was, early for the audition.  I was the first one there, and as I waited, as the time got closer, I nearly didn't go through with it.  My inner monologue was pretty interesting (not quite sure how many prayers I said while sitting there waiting for the audition), and, had it not been for the fact that it would have been really awkward for me to just pick up and leave before even singing, I probably would have left.  But I didn't.  I sang.  It was awful.  I was there in front of a panel of judges.  People.  Singing in front of people.  Nervous.  Completely nervous.  Far too nervous to be singing in a key that high.  Too nervous to breathe.  And, let me tell you, breathing is a really key component of singing.  It is, in fact, crucial to producing sound.

So, I didn't sing well.  I'm a perfectionist, so I'm willing to believe that it was less horrible than what I thought it was, but it was pretty bad.  But, you know, I did it.  I actually stood in front of people and sang.  And, you know what?  It felt pretty good to do something that so completely terrified me.  It wasn't as good as I hoped for, but I was there singing, doing something that I love.  

Oh, and for whatever reason, I actually made it past the audition.  My first lesson is tomorrow.  

Love you all!

Sara 

Reading Addiction

I get on reading kicks sometimes.  I mean, I'm almost always working on a book, but sometimes I read all books by the same author or all books with the same focus.

Right now, I'm on an addiction kick.

I know that sounds completely depressing.  I actually worried that it would be when I started reading the first book, a father's account of his son's drug addiction.  Heartbreaking in so many ways.  But, also fascinating in that way that stories of addiction give so much insight into how the brain works or how people are influenced, for good or for bad.  Or how important it is for people to have close ties with others, how addictions can harm those ties and make people so different from what they once were.

I started reading a book the other night.  It's written by a recovering addict.  I also watched a short interview with the author who said that he wanted to write the book, in part, because he wanted to show young people that there are others who have the same dark, depressing feelings.  He remarked that there were many authors he'd loved when he was younger, authors who expressed such dark feelings and let him know that he was not alone.

In some ways, I really understand that.  Sometimes I think that we have to just cut to the chase and be honest about our failings and fears and the dark sadness in our hearts.  Sometimes that's the only way we can find out we aren't alone and let others know that they aren't alone either.

But, there's another part of me that approaches those ideas with caution.  I guess it's that part of me that says we have to be careful with the way we talk about those things.  Are we looking at the darkness of the world around us, of our own tattered and broken psyches, and seeing that darkness as something we want to overcome?  Are we seeing that though, yes, darkness does exist, that isn't where we want to stay?  Or are we just allowing ourselves to go deeper into the muck and ugliness of life, saying that it's good to discuss such things because they are true?

I'm not a Pollyanna, though I sometimes do play the Glad Game.  I know that harshness exists in life.  I've dealt with it, and I know it's true.  But I also know that beauty is true; love is true; joy is true.  And I think that maybe those are the things to cling to, the things that will bring us out of darkness.  And I think that may be why the Bible talks about meditating on things that are beautiful and true and pure.  Perhaps God knew that, in our understanding of evil, we'd gravitate toward it as a way of understanding life; perhaps that's why He steered us toward what is better, what is holy, what is lovely.  

A Grateful Sunday

It's Sunday night, turning into Monday morning.  I've had such a lovely Sunday.  Restful, enjoying my new home, feeling quite grateful.  

Sunday feels like a good day to be grateful.  I think about the love of Christ, the grace of God.  How blessed I've been.  How so many people have come into my life and taught me so much, given so much, loved so much.  And I thank God for each of them.  I thank God for His ever-present love and care, for loving me, even in times when I've been unloveable.  For making something beautiful of my life.

Well, it's Sunday night, turning into Monday morning, and I'd better get to sleep.  I thank God for each of you.

I love each and every one of you,

Sara