Beauty in the Broken

I've just been doing some work this evening. When I work I listen to music. And I lose track of the words, or sometimes they all run together--the ideas, the words, the thoughts and sounds. Right now I have a good mix of Andrew Osenga and Jeremy Casella going. They each have ways of looking at the ugliness of life and finding some sort of beauty, some sort of hope for redemption. As I listen to the music, I keep remembering that Bible verse that says something about "My ways are not your ways." I usually think about that verse in conjunction with the verse that come next, that verse that explains that God's ways are higher than our ways.

I'm not sure I've ever read that correctly. And, I'm not sure that tonight I've stumbled upon the correct way of reading it, perhaps just a way I've never thought of before. But, as I was working and listening to these songs which speak so clearly of brokenness, I kept going back to the idea that His ways are not our ways. Or, at least they're not my ways. I'd hate to pass judgement on anyone else. I can only speak for myself, and this self is definitely lacking.

A few years ago, I went to the Chelsea Flower Show. At the show, they have all these demonstration gardens. Landscapers and gardeners have these elaborate presentations to show what they can do. It's amazing. My favorite garden was one that took bits of trash and worked them into the landscape design. Little candy wrappers made their way into benches or edging. I know it sounds strange, but it just worked.

You see, that's what I want to see. I want to see how those little bits of trash are worked into something beautiful. I want to see the finished product, to know that somehow all the little bits ugliness--the pain, the frustration, the hurt, the sadness--can be made into something beautiful. I want it for myself, but I also want it for the people I love. I want to see how the pains in their lives can become something that could give them comfort or how the sad experiences can be used to help someone else. I mean, how often do we see someone struggling under the weight of personal demons and have a feeling that that person may not make it? Don't we all kind of want to skip to the end of the story and see that everything turns out okay in the end? Don't we want to skip through the sad chapters, the hard chapters? Or do we just assume the worst, assume that there is no redemption, no recovery?

Sometimes I find it hard to find the beauty in the broken, the beauty in what seems so ugly and unfixable. His ways are not my ways. He sees to the end of the story, for better or worse. And, for better or worse, there is always love. He always loves.

And perhaps that love is where we can find some hope, some promise of redemption. Tomorrow I leave for El Salvador. I love being there. I love seeing my kids at the orphanage. But, in many ways, El Salvador is a place where the pains of life are evident right at the surface, not hidden away like we so often do here in a country where we can afford to hide our pain--put it in a big house, medicate it, put some nice shoes on it and act like everything is okay. But, in San Salvador, those pains are right there walking down the street, begging for change, hoping to find a place to sleep for the night.

But, it is also in San Salvador that I have seen to greatest hope. It is there that I know children--most of them abandoned, neglected, having suffered abuse and molestation--who possess such a deep faith. They have faith in God, and, somehow, they even have faith in other people. And maybe it's their faith in God that allows them to trust that people, deep down, really have some good in them. Or perhaps the children just know that the good they see in people comes from God.

Or, perhaps I'm getting a little tired by now and just need to go to bed. Because tomorrow I must pack. And tomorrow I get to see these children who give me so much hope, so much reason to believe that there can be beauty even in the ugliest pains of life.

I love you all,

Sara

Craziness of Summer

Things are hectic. I mean, I'm sure they could be even more hectic, but they're pretty busy as it is. And, to tell the truth, I sort of love that.

I just got back from Chicago last night. It was a fun, short trip with my mom and aunt. It got me pretty excited to think that in just a short while I'll be moving back to Illinois and even more excited to think about the work I'll be doing there. I'm loving my plans for a dissertation, and I'm just so looking forward to being in a place where I can really concentrate on that work. Also, I'm pretty excited to be so close to Chicago again and to be close to St. Louis, which is now home to my friend Brooke and soon to be home to my friend Sabrina. I see some trips to St. Louis in my future, and I'm glad that I'll have places to stay while I'm there! :)

In just a couple of days, I head to El Salvador for two weeks--my first trip of two I'll take this summer. Construction has started on the new orphanage, so I'll be spending time at the worksite when they need me and playing with my kids when I'm not needed on construction. Really, it's so amazing to see this building finally become a reality. And it's unbelievably wonderful how many people want to help and are helping. God is so good.

In between my two El Salvador trips, I'll be heading back to dear old Champaign-Urbana for Sabrina's wedding. It's going to be beautiful, mainly because it will be so great to see her get married but also because the wedding is at the amazingly beautiful Allerton Park. Seriously, people, if you're in the neighborhood, you should definitely go to Allerton to do a little hiking or to have a picnic and walk around the gardens. The peonies alone are worth the drive. Then again, I love peonies, so maybe I'm biased.

So, that's my summer. I've actually left most of the hectic-ness out. But, don't worry. I'm not stressed about any of it. I'm invigorated! :)

Love,

Sara

I thought I'd share something beautiful...

Inspired by this amazing picture that Erin, one of the girls who went to El Salvador this Spring Break, made and brought to dinner last night, I thought I'd make a gallery poster of it. The quality of the image isn't the greatest (I'm still sort of learning how to convert files), but isn't her picture beautiful? It just captures the whole experience of going to El Salvador.

The text below it is:

About the Picture This artwork was created by Erin Cleveland, a member of our 2009 Spring Break SHIP Trip team. In her own words “when I can't express my love in words, it usually ends up on a canvas.” This work shows the children of the San Salvador orphanage and the members of our team, all pieces of one fragmented heart, all members of one living, breathing body of Christ, all children of the same God, each one worthy of love regardless of country, ability, or circumstance, The Psalmist writes that God “heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds.” We’ve seen that happen. We’ve seen the smile on a child who was abandoned but has found a home. We’ve seen the light in his eyes when he realizes that he matters. We’ve seen the joy on her face when someone reads her a story. And we know God is good.

I'll be going back to El Salvador in just a couple of weeks, and this picture makes me miss my kids. It also makes me want to work even harder to build them a new home. If anyone is interested in getting involved or wants to learn more about what you can do to help these wonderful children, send me and email! You can also check us out on-line. The website is going through a few beautifications right now, but there's some good information about the work we do. And, if you happen to be in the Bryan, Texas, area during the weekend of June 20, we'll have a booth at the Texas Reds Festival. Come by and learn more about us!

Love,

Sara

A Few Things...

I have nearly 200 posts on this here little blog. So, in honor of that ridiculous number of posts, I'm going to jump the gun and do a list. A list of things about me--silly things, odd things, perhaps even some unknown things.

I know. It's madness! It's self-centered and silly to do a list about oneself. Well, at least I'm owning that. ;)

So, here we go, peeps. A little list of things about me.

1. I am probably the least organized person you could ever meet. My idea of organization involves sort things and putting them into piles. Piles, people. Piles are not orderly. They are piles. But they are the closest thing to order I am usually capable of.

2. I have to sleep in a bed that's been made. I mean, even if I make it right before getting into it. Weird, right? And totally not in keeping with the disorderliness. At all! But, for whatever reason, sleeping in an unmade bed makes me nervous. I need order while I sleep.

3. I like math. I mean, I'm not actually all that interested in math, but I do like the occasional number crunching.

4. I love planning things. Seriously, planning trips, planning menus, whatever. I like finding hotel rooms and good deals on flights. I've been obsessed with finding deals on flights since I was young. I'd read the Sunday Houston Chronicle and call airlines about the flight deals I'd find in it. I always wanted to go to Europe, so I'd try to find cheap airfare.

5. I don't like board games. "Hate" might actually be a better word for it, but I'd really reserve the word "hate" for card games. I barely even like looking at cards. There are some exceptions. I like Apples to Apples, and I like Cribbage. I also like Trivial Pursuit. But, if I'm with a group of people, I'd so much rather talk than play games. See, I don't hate the player, I hate the game! :)

6. I love the smell of Cherry Blossoms. Love. The trees are so beautiful, and they're one thing that I truly miss about the Midwest. They have the most beautiful spring there...when it finally gets there!

7. I wasn't much of a reader when I was a kid. I just wasn't too interested in reading kid books. For some reason, I had this idea that you got to read the good books when you got older and that reading kid books would just be a real waste of time. So I didn't read.

8. When I started kindergarten, I went to a Christian school. We had chapel the first day, and the music leader started us in a round of "Kumbaya." I'd never heard that song before, and I seriously believed that my parents had dropped me off at a cult. I was terrified of "Kumbaya." The funny thing is that I shared that with a friend who went to the same school, and she admitted that she had been scared too. What a couple of weird kids we were!

9. I have always loved to sing, but when I was a little kid, I had pretty questionable taste in music. My two favorite songs to sing were "Just Call me Angel of the Morning" and "Jose Cuervo." Considering I went to a Baptist preschool, your guess is as good as mine as to where I might have picked up those songs!

10. Sometimes I have teaching nightmares. They're terrifying. Like, I forgot to teach one of my classes all semester, or I hadn't taught them some huge assignment, or I had a ton of grading to do before May 18th. Oh wait. That last one isn't a dream...

11. My favorite Psalm is Psalm 62. It's beautiful. Read it!

12. I don't like being barefoot, so I wear shoes all the time. I especially like Birkenstocks. I like them a lot. A whole lot. And, even though I know they're ugly, part of me thinks they're nice shoes.

13. I like cake better than cupcakes. I think cupcakes are cute, and I have an amazing (amazing!) recipe for chocolate cupcakes with peanut butter frosting. Oh, you know you want them now! But, I think a piece of cake is pretty hard to beat.

14. I'm turning into a workaholic. It's true. I also find it impossible to delegate (as if I have anyone to delegate anything to). But, I don't trust people to care about projects as much as I do. So, I like to work sometimes.

15. I love to bake. I have a fierce chocolate cake recipe, and it's super easy. I will make said cake upon request! :)

Okay, those are some things about me. I hope you weren't completely bored!

Loves!

Sara

All Things are New Again

There is something that I not-so-secretly loathe. Something that I put off until the bitter end. Something that I dread more than anything, even though it will probably be part of my life for who only knows how long.

Grading.

There. I said it. I hate grading. Not even dislike. I officially hate it. I hate its guts, even though it doesn't technically have any.

I know that seems like a lot of hostility to unleash on an inanimate object. I mean, what has a pile of essays ever done to me? Nothing, really.

So, why do I hate it so much? Well, I guess a lot of the hatred has to do with the mix of feelings I have going into grading. Thee are so many questions in my mind. Did I teach them enough? Was I clear about this part? Why did this student clearly get the assignment while this other one clearly did not? How long would it take for PapaDel's to deliver to Texas? Okay, that last one might have nothing to do with grading, other than the fact that a stuffed pizza with pepperoni and sausage would sure take some of the edge off the awfulness that is grading.

The truth is, I'm a weird perfectionist of sorts. I hold myself to all sorts of standards, and (if I don't measure up) I really don't feel like I have a right to judge the writing of someone else. And then there's the whole part of me that cares about these students, that doesn't want them to have to worry about bad grades, that actually worries about how they are feeling and how stressed they are. I mean, I've been there. I feel for them. And maybe I hate grading because I want to protect my students from the bad grades and even protect them from themselves.

But, for some odd reason, I've found myself enjoying grading over the past couple of days. I've been slower about it, actually forcing myself to take things more slowly. And, I've found that the slower pace is allowing me to enjoy grading more. I think that my attitude about grading is beginning to change and that I'm finding a way of grading that's more in line with my style of teaching and my actual attitudes about education.

I'm enjoying my students' words. I'm enjoying seeing the ways in which they use them, the ways that they take their sources and make meaning out of them. The ways they create arguments, even when those arguments are not as solid as they should be. There's something really magical about seeing someone discover words, discover the ways that words can be used. I mean, really. Just imagine how exciting it is that they create these entire essays that never existed before. They've assembled a lot of ideas that may seem recycled, and yet, the format they've chosen actually creates something that hasn't been done before. It's kind of amazing, really. And I get to see it. That's pretty special.

I'm sure that tomorrow will find me a little frazzled, attempting to finish up the work of a semester that's almost gone. But, I think I've learned something. I hope I've taught something. And I hope that we all, my students and I, keep creating new things and learning from things, even if those things seem tired and old.

I love you all,

Sara