Sound of Melodies

I have this memory that I keep coming back to. It's the memory of leaving San Salvador, and when I think of it, I want so much to go back, to see the kids, to know how they are doing.

When I left San Salvador, we loaded up the van with probably more children than would be allowed in the US. We were all very cozily situated for the trip, but I was so glad that so many of the children got to go with us, to see us off at the airport.

On the way to the airport, we listened to the radio--super loud, as always. And we got to hear so many songs that had become our favorites during our stay. There was one song that we heard so many times we nearly had it memorized. And, as that song came on the radio, all the children started singing along.

I can't describe the beauty of listening to those children, many of them scarred emotionally and physically by families who abandoned them, hearing those children whose hearts have ached so much more than I can ever imagine lift their voices in praise to God. I had to wonder if there is anything more beautiful than the sound of children singing to God. The sound of children who trust and believe, even though their lives should have taught them to trust and believe in nothing.

Maybe that beauty is what happens when God binds up the hearts of the afflicted. Maybe He gives them this ability to create a sound so beautiful it touches our hearts, lets us see Jesus in their eyes, makes us want to love them as God does.

Hurricane!

Hello, All!

Well, I just thought I'd let you know that I am safe here in Texas, despite the fact that the state is now a disaster area. Here in my area, things didn't get too bad. There were some trees uprooted and other good stuff like that, but, for the most part, the people (myself included) have been safe and unharmed. Gracias a Dios.

Right now, our area is just taking in people from places harder hit than we were, and it has been really amazing to see the outpouring of help coming from many good-hearted people. Churches are full of people needing a place to stay, and there are plenty of people there to meet them and help them get some food and some rest in the midst of this disaster. Again, gracias a Dios for putting such giving and loving people right here for such a time as this.

much love,

Sara

Old Hymns

I really love old hymns. There's just something so beautiful about their lyrics, always so poetic and rich with meaning. Sometimes I feel like I just need to sit and take in the lyrics, let them fill up my head so that I can think about them a little more, spend some time with them, fall in love with them a little bit.

I love them for their lyrics, but I also love them because they're a part of me. I grew up singing along with old hymns in church. My favorite as a child was "Shall We Gather at the River." It's traditionally a funeral song, so you can feel free to infer anything you'd like from that. All I know is that I loved to sing the words,

"Shall we gather at the river,
Where bright angel feet have trod,
With its crystal tide forever
Flowing by the throne of God?

Yes, we’ll gather at the river,
The beautiful, the beautiful river;
Gather with the saints at the river
That flows by the throne of God."

And why would we not gather by that river? Can you imagine anything more beautiful than that river with angels, so close to God? There's something in a song like that that just speaks to my soul, something that lets me think about Heaven and how beautiful it must be. And there's something about lyrics to old hymns that just feels as if they're crafted especially to fit into the spaces in our hearts that most need those words, the spaces that are aching to be comforted and awakened to the beauty and wonder of God.

An Entry for Today

A few years ago, I was thinking about my belief in God. I guess it wasn't just one, fixed moment in time, but a lot of little times when my thoughts turned in that direction. For whatever reason, though I rarely went to church and almost never prayed, there was something in me that would turn toward thinking about God in the odd moments of life.

A few years ago, I'd decided that I did, in fact, believe in God. But, I felt like God could not be proved. I could not know in any certain way, but I chose to believe. I chose to believe because I liked the idea of living in a world in which there was a God better than the idea of living in a world without God. And yet, there remained this question of God. There remained these moments in which I'd catch myself believing something (a moral, an ethic) so strongly but not having a way to understand why. Sometimes the tugging on my heart was so strong and so relentless.

At some point, I guess I started wondering if these odd tuggings on my heart had something to do with this God I could not prove. I started wondering if they had something to do with this God of whom I could never be certain. I started to wonder if there could be some sort of Truth, some sort of absolute amid all the uncertainty of life. Could there be something which could challenge me to greater things than I knew? Could there be someone who knew the plans he had for me--plans to prosper and not to harm, plans to give me hope and a future? Could that someone be God, and could I know Him, truly know Him?

Somehow, through grace and love and prayer, God showed me that He is real, that He is faithful and full of love. That His ways are not my ways, but that, through learning of His ways, there can be a newness, a rebirth of all things. I still prefer living in a world in which there is a God to living in one in which there is not. But, there is such a peace and and endless awe of knowing that He is real, that He is not just a God I have chosen to allow into my world, but that He is a God who has chosen, through His infinite love, to allow me into His world. And, because of that, I am forever blessed.

Prayer

I have never been much of a pray-er. And, I'm sorry for just using that word that is really not even a word, but it's the best thing I could think of. I just didn't pray very much. Or, I guess I should say that I didn't think much about what I prayed about. For a long time, I prayed every night, but I sort of just said the same thing each night. There wasn't a lot of thought about it. And, though my nightly prayer time fizzled out for many years, it would come back in small spurts when I'd have important things going on or when I knew people who were sick and "needed prayer," whatever that meant.

One day as I was on the phone with my friend Alanna, we ended up talking about prayer. I'm not sure how we got on the subject, and I don't remember much of the conversation, really, but I do remember that, at some point in the conversation, Alanna was talking about prayer as a means of relating to God. And, then she said something to the effect that, as you grow in a relationship through prayer, God begins to tell you what to pray about.

Huh.

I'm sure I probably said something like, "Oh. Yeah." I sometimes like to pretend that I understand things. But, really, all I was thinking was, "That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. In fact, though I'm sure she really believes it, that just sounds crazy to me."

It really did sound crazy to me. I mean, if God knows what I need, why should I wait for Him to tell me that I need to pray for it? Why doesn't He just give it to me? I mean, He's God. It's not like that would be out of His power to do, right? He's God. Did I just repeat that? Yes, I did. Because that was really the hangup for me. If God is so powerful, then He is able to anticipate my needs, and the needs of anyone else for that matter. So, if He saw a need within me, like a need to grow in some area, it didn't make sense that He would tell me to ask Him for help. That just sounded nuts.

But, I had to give her the benefit of the doubt because most of my prayers had simply been prayers asking God for things. Please keep me safe. Please don't let my grandfather die. Please. I did a lot of asking for major things, but no real talking, no real relating.

Over the last year or so, I started praying more. I have to be honest. I don't always like it. I try to pray even on those days when the idea of praying is least appealing to me, because I figure that's when I probably need it most, but I'm far from being a perfect pray-er, even now.

And, through praying more, I guess I'm coming to understand the reasons for praying. And maybe I'm even starting to grasp what Alanna was saying.

The other day, I was thinking about what it is to have a relationship with God. I was thinking, especially, about the fact that God does not force us into relationship with Him; instead, He gives us the free will to choose. And I kind of feel that that freedom is reflected througout a relationship with God. I mean, we are fully capable of choosing to believe or not, of accepting Christ as Saviour or not. Really, this choice is ours. And yet, even if I do believe, even if I do have that sort of faith, there is still so much room to grow in understanding and knowing God, in being able to grasp His purpose for my life.

And I guess this is where prayer comes in. Sure, I really thought Alanna was a little nuts when she said that God will tell you what to pray for, but I've really begun to see what she means.

As I've experienced it, that means that, while praying or reflecting on the Bible, I have a sense of some area in which I need to grow or some step that I need to take in life. Again, why wouldn't God just fix that area for me? He knows I'm lacking in that area better than I do. And yet, if He were to fix those things, I wouldn't have to do any growing myself. My free will would be taken away because I wouldn't be given the choice to grow or to stay the same. I wouldn't be growing in a relationship with God, learning to rely on Him to give me counsel about my life. And, I think most importantly to me, I wouldn't see (through all the much needed prayer) how very dependent I am on God to make the kind of changes in my life that bring about true changes of the heart and mind and soul. When I connect with God in prayer, in order to seek help, I can really see how God is loving and nuturing and guiding me to enable true changes in me, changes that I really could not make alone.

And all of this leaves me completely amazed. At the love that God has for us all, that He would give us such freedom. Of His ability to move through our lives, awakening each of us to the deepest needs of our souls, needs that we sometimes don't even recognize until He lovingly shows them to us. And amazed that, at any time during the day, I can actually talk to God.

And so I do talk to God. Just because I can! ;)